Delulu Letters
Week of October 20, 2024
Hello lovelies!
It looks like time, cruel mistress that she is, has taken its toll on me, and I am back after a month(ish) long hiatus. Juggling the kids' school schedules and my own, staying on top of household matters, and my actual classwork has been a very busy and stressful period, but I’m here! I need to take some time to reassess how I want all of this to go because writing is one of the only things that gives me a sense of peace, and I haven’t been able to do very much of that. Let’s jump right into it!
Last month, I had hoped for everyone to have an extra huge scoop of courage and grace:
Courage to harness the strength that is there for the taking and make your moves! You might already be in full swing, and if so, hell yeah! If not, now’s the time, bby!
Grace to be yourself, to be kind to yourself, and to be kind to others. It’s okay to make mistakes; we’re all human.
I find it interesting that I had hoped for abundant courage and grace. As it turns out, I needed every bit of both to get through the whirlwind that was September. As some of you already know, I was laid off at the end of June. Since I’m in college full-time now, I’m no longer working and subsequently have lapsed in health insurance for just a little bit until our new insurance kicks in. I worried about the cost of medication and opted to try a more holistic route. Around the time I posted last, I decided to see what I could do and if it could help me.
After speaking to my psychiatrist, we decided on a new treatment plan that would allow me to wean off of my psych meds and transition to psilocybin microdosing. It seemed to be working fairly well, and I was able to get off of everything aside from my ADHD meds. Then… it stopped working fairly well. It didn’t work well at all. I went through a period of time that pretty much wrecked me mentally and emotionally, but by the time things came to a head, I had been unmedicated for about a month.
It took a lot of courage (that I didn’t feel like I had) to admit that something I wanted so badly just wasn’t for me. Giving myself some grace for how I felt, acted, or interacted with the people around me was incredibly difficult. I tried to keep my shit together for as long as I possibly could without cracking. It’s something I had already and always known. Still, I think it was finally made clear to someone in my life that my diagnosis was real - if I was having mental breakdowns and sobbing every day (despite the fact that I was doing everything in my power not to do so), that this path of not having psych meds was not my path.
I was able to get back on my SSRI, so all is well (for the most part). I’m still working on getting settled back into routine, but as I look back at this experience, I can say that I tried and now have more knowledge on what can really help me maintain a stable baseline.
We live in a world where people are still given so much shit over their mental health (or lack thereof) and are misunderstood, or worse, consistently experiencing the joy of having their mental illness thrown in their faces. There are many misconceptions about neurodivergence still, and while I didn’t mean to get on my soapbox, it’s easily resolved simply by having compassion for one another.
Tarot Manifestations
VIII of Coins, Reversed
In this position, the Eight of Coins might mean you are feeling restless and professionally stagnated. You have more to offer, and you are willing to put in the work. Unfortunately, the right opportunity is not currently aligned with your desire to move up. The work that you do to further your development seems tedious and unsatisfying.
This seems to be especially relevant as of late, with so many of my peers in the mobile gaming industry getting laid off. The tech field, mobile gaming especially, has always been one of the more stressful places to have a career. I’ve survived my fair share of layoffs over the years at my last company until I was finally included in one— seventh time’s the charm, I suppose. Getting laid off fucking sucks, regardless of any severance they give you.
That being said, being on the other side is also unbelievably draining– the survivor’s guilt is strong when you’re not laid off while others you care about have been, and I’m sure there are many people right now who might feel a bit directionless.
If you’re anything like me, it’s dangerously easy to get distracted and shift your attention onto other tasks, then realize you’ve been spending your time on something that isn’t as urgent. Whether you’re employed or not, looking for work or a promotion, or trying to get back on track, what I hope to manifest for myself, those in my life, and anyone reading this is focus and patience.
Focus - Take some time to identify the most important tasks out of your workload, whether that be personal or professional, and don’t lose sight of that. As long as you pay attention to yourself and what you’ve set out to accomplish, you’ll continue to move forward.
Patience - Good things come to those who wait. Now more than ever, keep your eyes on the horizon and keep moving forward. If you’re frustrated about a situation, take a step back and a deep breath, then remember that this will pass. Do what you can at this moment to achieve your dreams because the only thing you can do to affect your future is make the choices in front of you now.
A Reflection
Sometimes, I wonder if there’s hidden meaning all around us or if I just have an overactive imagination and find mountains in molehills.
I looked at the Eight of Coins again and realized that the coins are also clocks. It’s interesting that time has turned upside down; for some time, I have felt that I’ve been under an inconceivable amount of pressure to stick to strict, self-imposed time constraints. This past weekend, I’ve had to take some time to reflect on how much work I’ve been giving myself.
Old habits die hard.
While I have been more mindful about overloading my plate, there are still ways that I can cut down on the amount of unnecessary work I’m giving myself. I spent eight years at a job that I loved but also hated, in a career that has taught me so much but has also caused so much stress that it affected my mental and physical health.
When I was laid off, it took some time for the shock to wear off and the grief to set in. I had spent a significant part of my life there; what was I supposed to do? I had survived so many rounds of layoffs that I had to count them on two hands… I still ended up on the other side of it, regardless of what I had sacrificed in my personal life to be there. One thing, in particular, stood out to me when I thought about my career– a conversation I had with my manager about a month before the layoffs happened.
I had been struggling under the weight of stress in my personal life, between my love life, my finances, and single parenting. The mobile gaming industry is stressful all on its own, and I was putting in a ridiculous amount of overtime just to ensure I could get my professional workload done. In short, I was spiraling. My manager expressed her concern and suggested I take FMLA as I had the year before, just to have some time to myself.
“I checked your timesheets, Denise. You’ve never taken a vacation.”
I hadn’t ever realized that, and hearing it out loud shook me. She was right; I busted my ass for eight years and had never been able to take a vacation. I thought about how I worked late into the night almost every night. I thought about how I didn’t get home in time to have dinner with my kids. I thought about how there were nights when they had already gone to bed. I thought about how often I would forget to eat until the end of the day. I thought about how much I had missed by working all the time.
I invested so much of myself and my time and was laid off anyway. When I thought about my next steps, I knew I couldn’t return to the tech field. I didn’t want to spend another eight years in a career where I was still expendable regardless of what I put into it. It’s a decision that I didn’t hesitate on and one that I don’t regret.
The upside-down clocks remind me to focus on what matters most, go from there, and remember that I have more time than I think I do. Old habits die hard. Rather than needing patience with others, it is myself who I need to be patient with, especially in these next days and weeks. I hope you’re able to be patient with yourself as well.
A Poem
What does time mean to me? When I look back at the life I’ve lived until now, something that strikes me is how I felt like I had forever when I was a kid. It doesn’t feel like that now. Nothing marks the passage of time so clearly as watching your kids grow up in front of you. I remember when my oldest was born. I was so in awe of her that I didn’t sleep for two days; I stared at her and couldn’t believe this tiny baby was in my life, in my world. She became my world. It doesn’t seem all that long ago, yet she just turned 18 a couple of months ago. Time flies.
Time
time to say hello
time to say what’s on your mind
time to D-D-D-DUEL
time isn’t real
time isn’t what you think it is
time isn’t what I think it is
time isn’t something I’m good at keeping
time keeps to itself
time keeps passing by entirely too quickly
time keeps on slipping into the future
time is a poem without words
time is in the wrinkles that crease when you smile
time is an infinite loop
time is a snake eating its tail
time is a cruel mistress to all
time is a burning ember, ready to catch flame in the right conditions
time is a phoenix rising from the ashes
time is hurtling like a meteor towards the earth
time is on a course set to crash if you don’t pay attention
time is running out
time is too precious to waste
time to get going
time to say I love you
time to say goodbye
I love you
goodbye
Points to Ponder & Poem Prompts
Think about a time when you had too much on your plate. How did you handle it?
Think about a song that was popular when you were little. Write a poem that includes a line from that song.
What do you need to focus on right now?
What is something you can have more patience with?
Write about seeing a clock turning upside down.
Write a poem about the passage of time. Does it feel like it’s moving too fast? Does it feel like it’s going too slow? Why does it feel that way?
Fill in the blanks: Time is _____. Time isn’t _____.
Until next time, my lovely little delulus <3
Please feel free to share in the comments; I’d love to read your poems or hear about what you’d like to take some time to focus on in these next few weeks. <3
I love that I have heard you read enough times that I read this poem with your voiceover in my head. Really brilliant use of repetition here. Also, thanks for the prompts!